


Is it ever enough?

by FoxNote



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Implied Relationship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mentioned Character Death, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-03-19
Packaged: 2018-03-18 14:26:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3572993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoxNote/pseuds/FoxNote
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Corporal laments over those lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is it ever enough?

After a long day of training the corporal found himself a quiet spot atop a high building to get away from it all. Without something to keep him busy memories were rushing back. Today he didn't have the strength of will to push them away. 

As the sun vanished behind the world he forced his tears away. Tears were for the weak were they not? But today, he realized,he didn't feel strong. So he gave in and cried.

He cried and cried, long into the night, when the chills of the moon sang up his spine and brought him around. Off in the distance he stared. Past the walls and the trees and the mountains, seeing with his minds eye the ocean. 

The brat had told him about the ocean. A vast body of water that you can't see the other side of. Waves crashing upon sandy shores, or perhaps a cliff side vista.

A dry, unamused chuckle left him. Such a place was that of children's stories, meant to keep them hoping. There was no chance he would see such a thing. If a place like that existed it would be in an afterlife, far from the pain and sorrows of this world.

How many soldiers would be looking out on that scene right now? How many men had fallen, by Titan or by grief, and were now standing on those sandy shores, watching the sun rise above the crystalline waters of a paradise?

Levi rubbed his forearms, lifting the sleeves just so he could see the marred skin beneath. How many days had he let himself get close to that place, only to be pulled back by strong arms and a firm voice? How many times did he just want to 'slip up' and let the Titan take him when someone would swoop to his rescue? How many perished before he realized he had something to live for?

He thought back to those men and women. The soldiers. The faces. The fear and the determination in their eyes. How many had he tried to help when he finally realized how precious a life was? How many died moments before he could save them, or took their lives before ever knowing what they were meant to be?

"I could have been one of them..." he mused.

But he wasn't and now he had to bear the burden that came with living through all the pain. The only thing that ever pulled him through were the few that gave him true purpose. The ones who would drag him back from the brink, from those sandy beaches, to scold and berate because they cared so much. The angels in his life that everyone need but few ever find. 

As he brushed his thumb over the scars he watched, remembering the blood, but it wasn't his that he saw. It covered his hands and arms, sometimes smeared or slashed across his face, and on the ground lay another body. Next to that another and another and another, stretching on passed the forests and the mountains and out to sea. 

So many dead. Women, children, men. The innocent. The valiant. The scared. And their blood was on him, reminding him every day what he was fighting for:

An end to the line.

Absently he scrubbed his hands and face, washing away the blood from his mind for a moment.

"Am I enough?" He asked no one but the faces in his head. "Is what I'm giving enough?"

Children wailing. Mothers screaming. Soldiers sputtering their last words. Dead eyes watching him as they were rolled in white. He found it strange how his reason for fighting clashed so oddly with the reason he just wished it all to end. 

Yet his vicious cycle of self doubt and shame was ended when a heavy hand fell upon his shoulder. The man who owned it said nothing.

Levi breathed softly. "Was it ever enough?"

The man said nothing.

With another breath Levi stood and embraced the tall man about the waist, burying his head in his chest. Strong arms wrapped around him in return, barely there but comforting in their special way. His angel. 

"Am I good enough?" Whispered the tiny little man to the world.

The man said nothing.


End file.
